"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so, yeah.'"
Mitch Hedberg died last night. In his honor, I think it's time to re-start the blog. So... here are a few quotes illustrating his comedic genius:
- I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
- That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."
- My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."
- I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, "Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here..."
- My roommate says, "I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first...
- I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick?
- Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load [stuff] into a truck.
- ...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."
