"Well, couldn't they have found a nicer way of putting it? Like relaxed or unhurried? Relaxed, laidback sperm I can handle, but sluggish?" *
Dave and I spent a month traveling around visiting family, and seconds before we left my parents' place in Utah in the middle of May to actually MOVE to Illinois, my mom shoved a magazine in my hand and mentioned that there was an article I needed to read, plus said issue was a first for
a friend. The article was entitled
"Infertility: When Children Don't Come Easily." I can't say I loved the article, honestly, but I doubt I'll ever much love things related to this. Still, I can deal with the infertility a lot more easily than what it all started with.
[WARNING: TMI FOLLOWS] See, I got pregnant six weeks after Dave and I got married. I'd been on the pill for years to control horrific periods, but since it was never for birth control, I usually skipped a day here and there in the middle to stretch out my cycles. Apparently, my spotty (but effective-for-pain-management) usage worked well, since I stopped taking the pill ten days after the wedding and was pregnant the very next month. I was due 13 February 2011. We were excited and surprised, and I was exhausted and nauseated and somewhat useless at work. Things were fine at the six-week appointment. Then, things were not fine at the eleven-week appointment. I was still feeling icky and exhausted, except now there wasn't a good reason for it. The heartbeat was gone, the sac was contracting, but my body wasn't giving anything up. So, we tried "medical management" (you take some pills and your body completes the miscarriage) but that didn't work at all, although I did find a new 10 on my personal pain scale.
Next step:
D&C (or "surgical management"). That was one year ago today, 28 July 2010. It was predictably awful.
I shut down emotionally after that. The depression I'd struggled with and managed to varying degrees hit with full force, and... something changed. I'm not sure how to describe it, really. We'd been getting ready to tell people (only our families and my boss knew), and during the pregnancy I'd purposely not talked with a few close friends because I knew I wouldn't be able to keep quiet about it and we wanted to wait before broadcasting it. After, I didn't want to talk to
anyone, and the tears were nearly constant. Worse, I didn't know what to say in ANY situation, and everything felt very out-of-body.
In September, I did my first social-y thing and went to lunch with a friend who worked just down the street from me, and I had no idea what to say. I was with someone I think is terrific, we were at a usual restaurant, and I felt completely lost. Things have gotten better since then, but it's only been in the last couple of months that I don't constantly feel like I'm just going through the motions of life. I'm fairly certain that the five months in Georgia and then the last two months in Illinois have helped - I've literally gotten some distance. Something is still a bit off, and will likely always be. Everyone has a few experiences in life that are marked by a before and an after, and I guess this is one of mine.
The kicker: my body got all jacked up post-miscarriage. Not
just your basic infertility, but my periods last for only 36 hours, and I can't stop gaining weight no matter what I do, and my hair is falling out, and my eyes are too dry to wear my contacts, and my skin is the envy of lizards everywhere, and I can't stay awake (or asleep) for more than three or four hours at a whack. So far, my OBGYN in Georgia put me on Clomid (which worked, but didn't stick; apparently, fertilized eggs can
find no purchase in my rocky womb) and the one in Illinois ran a single blood test and told me that he couldn't help me, so go see a family doctor. I've got an upcoming appointment with an internal medicine doc - maybe she'll be more useful. Because my body is so broken, the fact that I'm 0 for 3 isn't nearly as bothersome.
You know, I've been meaning to write this post for ages, but it's been... fairly difficult. I hope I'll get back to more writing, because for me, this has been a huge roadblock to posting anything. Anyway, that's it. An explanation for the last year, I suppose.
Title Quote *This has nothing to do with Dave; our issues are all me. Hugh Laurie just makes me laugh with this line.
